How Your Lack Mentality is Ruining Relationships
3 Actionable Steps to Repair this Mentality
As requested from the Twitter Poll, this week we’re talking about how your lack mentality is ruining your relationships.
Lack mentality is a state of mind that causes us to see the world through a lens of what we don’t have or don’t feel we deserve. It’s a way of thinking that negatively impacts our relationships, often without us realizing it. When you have a lack mentality, you’re not able to be emotionally present in relationships, you don’t trust yourself or others to give or receive enough, and you’re constantly drawn to the fear of not having enough, or of not being good enough
Sound familiar? (Also can you believe that AI wrote that definition of lack mentality, big oof)
Maybe some examples would help:
you’re wondering what you’ll need to give up or what you have to do to keep this relationship
you feel jealous or envious of others, as if there’s some unspoken competition
you’re waiting for “the other shoe to drop” when things are going well
Whatever it is, it’s normal. These are very human thoughts and experiences. However, if you want close or intimate relationships, it might be time to reconsider these thoughts.
Do you want to feed into them, inevitably turning these thoughts into a belief that’s harder to unravel? Do you really want to believe that you dont’t have or don’t feel you deserve a great relationship (romantic or platonic)?
I’m emphasizing this out of my own experience feeding into these thoughts. The thoughts accumulated with the invisible evidence I brought in proving that I was a burden, no one would listen to me, no one could possibly understand me or want to.
Ever heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy, that was one.
What you think is often what you choose to see, which is why I’m writing this: in hopes to help you see parts of your relationships that you may be sabotaging with your own thinking.
So here are 3 reasons why your lack mentality might be ruining relationships and also the actionable steps to manage it so that you can have stronger, more authentic relationships.
1. If you come in a lack mentality, you’ll come out with nothing.
If you read my last blog, you know how much we humans desire to feel connected and understood. It’s kind of part of our DNA but what do we do instead? Often we sabotage any opportunity to get closer with our own fears and insecurity.
Subconscious or conscious, we think we’re protecting ourselves with this lack mentality or as I would like to justify, “realistic expectations” would make us feel less disappointed or less hurt.
But did you know that feeling disappointed or hurt is actually part of relationships? 🤯 I know, mind blown.
The goal isn’t to get rid of this feeling but rather to come into relationships with less expectations and more curiosity.
ACTIONABLE STEP: Replace your input with curosity.
This is for my fellow easily triggered friends. Instead of assuming that someone is making a jab at you, lead with curiosity aka the benefit of the doubt.
Ask questions instead of making assumptions.
Choose empathy over judgment.
Be open to being wrong.
2. It takes two to tango but just one to initiate.
Let me explain. a relationship takes two but it only takes one to initiate a conversation or understanding.
In the heat of an argument or subtle disagreement, it’s easy to see the flaws in others especially if you feel hurt and it’s easy to forget that we often experience a reflection of ourselves.
The outer world, and everyone in it, is just a mirror of our internal world.
There have been countless times where I shut down conversations assuming that I know what the other person means—blatantly telling them you said this and that and meant this and that. Later to find out with their patience and understanding, that I was wrong.
They didn’t go out of their way to ignore me. They didn’t intentionally use those words to set me off.
I realized that the way that I perceived their responses was a reflection of my own heightened insecurities at the time.
Thank goodness I got out of that funk so that I can vulnerable ask what they actually meant by x, y, z and apologize for my assumptions and judgment.
Remember, we cannot control how others will think or behave but we can control ourselves so we’re responsible for initiating if we desire a different outcome.
ACTIONABLE STEP: Check in with yourself.
So much of my closest relationships were saved with this one practice. Whenever I felt triggered or bothered if I asked myself: “is this true?” “is what he or she saying actually true or something I’ve projected onto them?”, the threat of a reactive conversation dissolved.
10/10 times it was just a projected narrative that originated out of my own insecurities.
Try this out and check in with yourself.
Is it true? Disrupt your reaction.
Is it accurate? Confirm the truth.
Is it timely? Figure out if this is an optimal time to bring something up or perhaps later. It’s going to make a hell of a difference if you bring something emotional up when your friend or partner is in a bad mood or stressful work day or is just lounging on there couch relaxing.
3. Get over the discomfort for the sake of healthier, realer relationships.
This one is key because trust me you will have to get uncomfortable.
No one likes to be wrong, especially in front of the people we care about. It’s human nature to protect ourselves from getting hurt and that’s why we often put some sort of mask over our vulnerabilities—maybe we avoid it altogether or we put up walls, yet that also puts us further away from what we want to feel in relationships
That’s why we must get uncomfortable for the sake of having real relationships. Otherwise, we miss out on the chance of getting to know someone deeper or having someone really get to know us.
ACTIONABLE STEP: Practice vulnerability.
Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it's having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.
This is how to do it:
say what you mean & mean what you say
be honest with yourself &others
be open to hearing other perspectives
I hope this helps you sift through your thoughts and see why your lack mentality might be hindering your relationships. Often, we can see our progress once we become aware of the things that we can work on or the type of conversations we can initiate to improve our existing relationships.
Life is too short to spend it ruminating alone on the belief that everyone’s out to get you or take advantage of you or humiliate you.
Believe in the good of others as you would hope others would believe in the good in you.
With love, Alyssa
Question for you:
What areas in your life do you see a lack mentality? What do you do to strengthen—not sabotage—your relationships? Your experience might support someone else that’s reading. :)
The Zen Allies Collective Digest
Every week, we share tools and practices for self-improvement so you can be a better human for yourself and others.